Caught in the act

Infidelity seem to be a commonplace occurrence in this day and time. If things are not going well in your marriage or relationship, it appears that it is easier to move on to someone else while still in the current relationship.  Whether you are a man or woman, how you deal with this situation will vary.  Most people cannot believe that it is actually happening, some want to ignore the fact.  You began to think about what you have done wrong, what is wrong with you the reason he/she no longer wants you.  Infidelity is based on physical intimacy and emotions.  Relationships may begin because they feel comfortable with each other to talk about their dreams and aspirations, which are the basis of every relationship.  Individuals who are emotionally involved do not believe that they are cheating on their spouse. 

          When men and women become unfaithful to their spouses, and partners, their actions become obvious.  One of the first signs that tell you that your spouse is unfaithful is their day-to day behavior changes.  They become secretive and distant; they may talk about a particular (female or male) person on a regular basis.  They start to look at things at home differently, start staying at work later and later, they become evasive and defensive when asked what is wrong.  Other signs might be the increase use of the computer while you are sleeping, telephone calls that result in hang-ups when you answer, unusual visits with your friends.

          Most men or women do not cheat because they have fallen in love with someone; there are financial problems, communications problems, and lack of sex in the relationship.  There are some men and women who have a problem; they have to have that extramarital relationship on the side all the time.

          Women and men began to question themselves because of their partner’s infidelity.  They began to wonder what is wrong with them to cause their partner to stray, they began to look at themselves in a different way, they want to make changes to themselves, and some suffer from depression because they cannot deal with the fact that their partner is having an affair.  All kinds of feelings and emotions began to surface, and you do not know which way to turn, you do not know who to trust with this information, or if you should ask your partner.  Where do you go from here?

Work Cited

Castleman, M. (2009, October 15). Marital Infidelity, How Common Is It. Journal of Psychology Today.  Retrieved February 18, 2011 from   HYPERLINK "http://www.psychologytoday.com/.../marital-infidelity-how-common-is-it" www.psychologytoday.com/.../marital-infidelity-how-common-is-it .

         

Over time, infidelity began to take on a new meaning, and rather than meaning one who has lost his or her faith, it has become symbolic of one who is not faithful to their spouse or lost faith in their marriage.  Today, it is typically termed for someone who has been disloyal to their spouse, usually sexually, and is more interchangeably with terms like adultery, affair, being unfaithful or simply cheating on your spouse.  In some countries, particularly those within Asia and the Middle East, infidelity is considered a very serious crime.  Several centuries ago, this crime was punishable by death, either by public stoning hanging or worse. 

        Today, it is still considered illegal in many areas of the world, and even in some areas of the United States.  The word infidelity is synonymous with the word adultery, which is forbidden according to the seventh rule in the Ten Commandments as set forth by God.  Since the time of the Holy Bible, infidelity has been mentioned; both men and women have been unfaithful or committed adultery.  Infidelity has been written about in literature for many centuries, from the classic plays of William Shakespeare, to the modern works of Arthur Miller. 

        For example, in The Winter’s Tale (II, ii, 9-11), Hermione has been thrown in prison by King Leontes.  King Leontes is convinced that his wife was unfaithful to him with his childhood friend Polixenes.  When Polixenes hears of a plot to have him poisoned, he flees to his homeland.  At the same time, Hermione finds out that she is pregnant with Leontes’ child.  Leontes believes that Hermione’s pregnancy and the departure of Polixenes is proof of his wife’s infidelity.  Leontes has Hermione’s imprisoned and charged with treason.

        Everything is not to be believed because someone else tells you it is so.  What may have appeared to be infidelity in Shakespeare’s plays do not always be that fact.  It appears that there are times when things are staged.  In these days, the town’s people would have been highly upset if situations like this occurred.  Infidelity was highly frowned upon and there was the possibility that you could have been stoned to death, or placed in prison.

        Coming to the 20^th century, Miller shows us the infidelity of Willy.  Willy cheats on his wife Linda with “the woman”.  Willy likes this woman because she makes him feel good about himself.  She compliments him and makes him feel important.  The woman tells Willy that he is special and he needs to hear this.  Willy gives the woman stockings; Linda always mends her old stockings so Willy does not have to buy her new ones.  He doesn’t  respect Linda because he cheats on her, Linda try to save money by mending her torn stockings and Willy gives the woman new stockings. 

Willy needs to hear how special he is.   Willy has respect issues with himself.  I do not believe that people in the 20^th  century would have been happy with the fact that infidelity was happening.  There have always been more people that frown upon this type of behavior.

         In our 21^st century contexts, I think that the act of infidelity has become commonplace and in some circles; infidelity has become acceptable behavior. 

           Recent studies reveal that 45-55 percent of married women and 50-60 percent of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship.  About 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage.  About 86 percent of men and 81 percent of women admit that they routinely flirt with the opposite sex.  75 percent of men and 65 percent of women admit to having sex with people they work with.  Statistically speaking, about 17 percent of divorces in the United States are caused by infidelity (Atwood, 2002).

          I believe that we must learn to control our minds and our urges and not allow a few moments of pleasure to ruin the lives of others and ours. Infidelity destroys trust and will eventually lead to the demise of the marriage and the family.  If there is not trust, there is no relationship.  Trust is something that has to be earned, if it is lost; it is very hard to regain. 

Work Cited

  Atwood, J. (2002).  Innovations in clinical and educational interventions.  Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, 1 (3), 37-56.  Retrieved February 18, 2011 from http://www.informaworld.com/.

Wikipedia defines infidelity as “a violation of the mutually agreed upon rules or boundaries of an intimate relationship, which constitutes a significant breach of faith or a betrayal of core shared values with which the integrity of the relationship is defined.”

Those mutually agreed upon rules are called vows, or commitment.  We stand before God and profess to love, honor and obey each other until death us do part, and the meaning of those words fall on deaf ears.   Infidelity is wrong no matter if you are married or cohabitating.  Once you enter into a relationship, you should be committed to making sure that you keep the romance alive and to keep the communication lines open.  We tend to shut down and hide our feelings from those that we profess to love.  Commitment is not something that we take seriously anymore, if we were committed to a relationship; we would not be looking at someone else but trying to maintain what we have with our partner.  Is it too much to expect exclusivity of one another?  We live in a world where most people are free to do as they please and this freedom is leading the majority of the world on a moral decline. 

Research on sexual infidelity has focused on three domains—the personal values of the individual, the opportunities for extramarital sex, and the couple’s relationship.  Permissive sexual values are associated with extramarital sex.  Among Americans who believe extramarital relations are “not at all wrong,” 76% report having had extramarital sex compared to only 10% of those who think extramarital sex is “always wrong” (Smith, 1994).  Extramarital permissiveness is linked to liberal political and religious ideologies (Smith, 1994). 

Opportunities, namely potential partners and circumstances assuring secrecy, facilitate extramarital sex.  Some Americans admit they would have extramarital sex if their mate would not find out (Greeley, 1991).  Couples who lead separate lives for example, have more opportunities and are more likely to have secondary sex partners (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983).  Dissatisfaction with the martial relationship itself is associated with extramarital sex (Brown, 1991; Vaughn, 1986).

An investigation into extramarital affairs was conducted by an acclaimed journalist to discover how different cultures deal with adultery.  The concept and consequences of infidelity are far less rigid outside the United States.  Americans are the least adept at having affairs, have the most trouble enjoying them, and in the end, suffering the most as a result of them.  Russian husbands and wives do not believe that beach-resort flings violate their marital vows.  Japanese businessmen, armed with the aphorism “If you pay, it’s not cheating,” flock to sex clubs where extramarital services are offered freely.  South Africans created separate categories for men who cheat, and men who only cheat while drunk.  In America, however, there is never a free pass when it comes to infidelity.  According to our national moral compass, cheating is abominable no matter what the circumstances.   (Druckerman, 2007).

It is never okay to cheat regardless of the situation and why the relationship is not working.  A relationship should be built on trust, and in that trust we should be able to talk to our mate and freely tell them what the issue is no matter what.  Our morals and values that we were taught as children should still be present within us.  We should never cheat on our mates just because others are doing it and that it is now acceptable by most today. 

Work Cited

Druckerman, P. (2007). Lust in translation: The rules of infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee. New York: Penquin Press.

Treas, J., & Giesen, D. (2000, February). Sexual Infidelity among Married and Cohabiting Americans. Journal of Marriage and Family , 48-60.  Retrieved January 19, 2011, from http://www.jstor.org: http://www.jstor.org../stable/1566686

Have you ever wondered why people cheat?  The reasons are endless.  You never give it a second thought until it happens to you. 


Infidelity represents a partner's violation of norms regulating the level of emotional or physical intimacy with people outside the relationship. You meet someone, fall in love with them and of course you expect to spend your life with them.  At that very moment, you believe that what you are feeling for your partner is undying love and that the two of you will always be like you are at that moment.  We all believe in love, marriage, the house with the white picket fence, and 2.5 children and living happily ever after.There's nothing wrong with dreaming and having those dreams come true.   

When we are getting to know the other person, we go all out to make them happy.  We find out their likes and dislikes and we set out to win their affections.  Once the relationship takes on some form of permanence, the couples began to change. We are so enthralled with being with the "one we love" that we forget everything and everybody around us. You think that you are being the best partner, doing everything that they ask of you, making sure that all of their needs are taken care of, making a home for them, and then all of a sudden you notice some things changing within your partner. 

It is not only men that cheat; the women are right up there with them.  I think they believe that if they can’t beat them, they just as well join them in this game of duplicity. The women have been a victim of infidelity for so long, they notice the signs and they have set out to try and out cheat the men.